Detachment

Last January I wrote about boundaries.  I think the sister to boundaries is detachment.  Healthy emotional detachment allows a social worker to engage empathetically and authentically with a client while not being overwhelmed by their emotional state. It also allows the client to be distinctly in relationship with you while giving them the dignity and respect to be their own person. It is critical to good work and yet perhaps harder for a social worker than you might expect.  Let’s talk about why detachment is a challenge and what you should stay aware of.

1.  Social workers are good at hard conversations

Social workers may be particularly prone to struggling with detachment.  Social workers have hard conversations every day.  We examine emotions, we reflect, we are insight oriented.  We are also surrounded by peers who are good at having hard conversations.  When you ask us how we are doing, we don’t say fine.  We tell you.  We aren’t shocked.  We aren’t uncomfortable.  We don’t pretend everything is okay.  My colleagues can take one look at me, call me out, and an hour later we have processed.  I happen to think this makes us wonderful, insightful people.  It can also distort our expectations of others.  Most of the people we work with have not had the same experiences with difficult conversations as we have.  Both their skill level at dealing with emotional content and their comfort level will likely be less than ours. Detachment allows us to accept where our client is at, to accurately assess the pace of introspection, and to allow the time necessary for the client to gain the skills they need to build emotional intelligence.

2.  You care

This may seem simple, but you became a social worker because you care.  You genuinely want to see people achieve their goals and do well.  Your passion and love for others can make detachment difficult.  Progress takes time and it doesn’t go in a straight line.  You will watch clients sabotage their happiness.  You will watch them withdraw and isolate.  You will watch them return to hurtful situations and continue to do things that don’t work.  This is okay.  This is part of the process.  In order for you to allow them to be human and allow the process to work, you will have to detach.  It’s not your journey.  It is theirs.  Watching someone suffer hurts, but your job is often to sit with them during the suffering, not to fix it.

3.  You’ve overcome obstacles

This is a big one.  Social workers are advocates, we are social justice warriors, we are change makers.  We are risk takers.  If you are like the social workers I know, you have a story, and it is a good one.  You have overcome obstacles to get where you are.  That is what we do with clients and that is often what we have done for ourselves.  You have taken a struggle and turned it into a triumph. So you know it can be done.  You know how it feels to be empowered, to reach a goal, to not survive but to thrive.  And you want that for everyone else.  You are likely a doer.  You see a challenge and you conquer it.  It is part of your resilience and part of your gift.

4.  You’ve seen miracles

I have been asked many times about how I can work in a career where I see so much human suffering.  That is true, social workers see pain.  We also see miracles.  Every day we get to see the impossible become possible.  We know nothing is impossible, because we have seen it.  We want that miracle for our clients.  It can be hard for us when people limit themselves because we know there aren’t really limits.  We know you can do anything and we really want you to know that to.   

These are all beautiful traits, but you can’t walk someone’s journey for them.  And…you shouldn’t.  When you fail to have healthy detachment with a client (or anyone for that matter) here is what happens.  If they achieve their goal, it won’t be theirs.  They will credit you and they will lose gifts that come with doing hard stuff.  If they don’t achieve their goal, they are likely to feel both shame and judgement.  Why aren’t they good enough?  Why can’t they make a decision when the answer seems so obvious?  Why did they backslide?  What is wrong with them?  We all know that intellectual knowledge doesn’t directly relate to behavior change.  Client’s often know intellectually what is working and not working about their behavior, but they just can’t do it differently YET….that is so okay.  That has to be okay in order for them to have a healthy relationship with you.  And the trick is that can only be okay if you are able to have healthy emotional detachment.  Detachment is part of love.  It is about loving someone exactly where they are and allowing them the dignity to own their journey. You are merely a guide.  Detachment allows you to be patient and respectful while honoring someone’s journey. 

The Next Right Thing: Self-Care is an Inside Job

The Next Right Thing: Self-Care is an Inside Job: So three things happened in the last months.   First, a colleague made a comment about how much they loved my blog (mental reaction:   What...

Self-Care is an Inside Job

So three things happened in the last month.  First, a colleague made a comment about how much they loved my blog (mental reaction:  What?  Someone actually reads that?).  Second, a friend told me I was the most positive and optimistic person they know (mental reaction:  Me?  Wow, that’s cool!). Third, on a particularly stressful day a mentor checked in on my self-care.  On this third one I responded by quickly going through my check list (Physical, spiritual, emotionally, intellectual).  They all checked off.  Daily workouts and nutrition – Check!  Daily prayer, reading, and meditation – Check! Plenty of processing with supportive friends –check, check!  And intellectual, well my month has been full of hanging out with brilliant colleagues and students so again –check. 

Here is the thing about self-care.  We often teach it as a check list.  It boils down to take care of yourself, and make sure your needs get met.  This is true but the external acts we take are really a means to an end.  Sure there are benefits to staying healthy and they certainly are an important part of self-care, but the truth is the most important part of self-care is a mind-set.  It is the difference between happiness and joy.  Happiness is situational.  It is fleeting.  We are happy when life goes our way.  Joy on the other hand is constant.  Joy is related to peace and serenity.  It is a spiritual understanding that in both times of tribulation and times of triumph there is a constant in knowing that you can rest in the assurance that in the end all will be alright. 

That sense of joy, that view of the world is what allows me as a social worker and an educator to walk with people in their vulnerability.  People are people.  They are by definition imperfect.  They will stumble and fall and they will rise and overcome.  As a social worker you will see their fear, their weakness, and their shame.  Working effectively with people (and living with them) is like differentiating between happiness and joy.  You must love them and believe in them in a constant way.  You must know without a doubt that whether at the bottom of a valley or the top of a mountain their value doesn't change.  Their value is constant and whether they know it or not irreplaceable.  The world needs them. 

Self-care as a social worker is more than whether or not you did that run.  It is about protecting your joy and your belief in the “inherent dignity and worth of the person (NASW Code of Ethics)”.  Be mindful to protect this, because the world can never be what we have given up hope on.

                                                                                                                    

My hope as an educator is that we will model and teach our students about the very real and complex work involved in maintaining self-care from the inside.  That we will teach students to articulate who they are well, so that when the world is filled with negatitivity they will guard their joy and love for people. 

 https://www.socialworkers.org/About/Ethics/Code-of-Ethics/Code-of-Ethics-English

Boundaries

2016 was a year of redefining boundaries for me.  In truth we constantly redefine boundaries.  Sometimes we do it well and sometimes we struggle, but even not doing it is doing it, so saying 2016 was the year of boundaries is saying something.  Setting boundaries in 2016 was like getting a black belt in boundaries and felt a little bit like being hit by a Mack truck.  Sometimes growth comes in slow and steady progressions and sometimes it comes in giant moments of clarity.  2016 was one of those giant moments of clarity.

Although plenty is written about boundaries and in some ways this feels like a basic concept for social work,  as I reflected on this years growth and took my lessons into my mentoring of social workers, I realized we don't talk about it nearly enough.  It might be simple but it isn't easy and as this year proved, it isn't something we just master and move on.  Setting boundaries is a skill we continue to refine as we grow as humans and as social workers.  The ability to understand, set, and negotiate boundaries is critical to social work practice.

Boundaries are a way that we do the most critical and complex thing I call social workers to do.  I talk to the social workers I mentor about how to "be with" the client.  This is the illustration I use.  "When someone is drowning I want you to be in the water with them.  I want you to be fully with them while being separate enough that you don't get pulled under with them and drown.  You cannot guide someone in the healing process while staying on the shore.  You also cannot guide someone if you allow them to wrap themselves around you and take you under water."  This illustration comes from a very real experience that happened when I was a child.  I was drowning in a river.  My mother instinctively jumped in and in her panic proceeded to try to drag me upstream.  We both were drowning.  A family friend jump in and pushed us to shore.  The friend was fully invested in our well being yet separate enough to be able to do what was needed.  Good social work means being fully present while being fully separate.  It is an art and it isn't easy.  It has everything to do with boundaries.

Boundaries tell you where you end and another begin.  They define your turf.  Emotionally, spiritually, physically..what is yours, mine and ours?  It is a way that you honor both yourself and others in your world.  They allow you and others to speak your truth and to be treated with dignity and respect.

Setting boundaries requires direct and honest communication.  It means that you are taking responsibility for your own needs.  In order to set boundaries you must feel worthy of respect and dignity and you must release shame.  You must also be able to tolerate discomfort.  When you set a boundary it is about defining what is and what is not acceptable in your world.  It dictates your behavior, not the other persons.  Setting a boundary means I will do what is right for me, whether you cooperate or not.  To set a boundary, I must let go of the outcome.  I will speak my truth, what you do with it is up to you.  The important thing is that I spoke it.

Boundaries also require flexibility.  Some violations may require instant "stop signs" to go up, while others allow for graduated responses.  The truth is many behavior patterns are ingrained and  may take practice and repetition to change.  And many boundaries require negotiation, a give and take between two people.  In order to participate in this negotiation without being lost, we must have a clear grounding in where we end and the other begins.  We must also have a clear understanding of what we find acceptable and unacceptable.

Finally, boundaries must be enforced.  If you set a boundary, keep it.  Remember good old systems theory.  All components of a system strive for equilibrium.  When equilibrium is disrupted the system attempts to correct.  When you redefine a boundary you disrupt the equilibrium of the system.  Just because you change, does not means that others in the system are ready to change.  This is a fancy way of saying, when you redefine boundaries expect that you might feel like you were hit by a Mack truck.  When you set a boundary it may be respected but it may also face resistance.  An attempt to get things back to "normal".  And if pushing on your boundary works, well people are smart creatures, we will do what works. 

All of these concepts are critical to a therapeutic relationship.  This isn't because we talk and teach about boundaries.  Yes we do that and yes that is important, but in the therapeutic alliance we have with clients we also model it.  Here is a simple example I used with the social workers I mentor.  When you are scheduled to meet with a client for 50 minutes and instead you meet with them for 80 minutes, what messages do you send them?  Do you believe that they are competent and capable of holding their feelings between sessions?  Do you have faith in them and their ability to handle life?  Many clients are currently maneuvering some sort of life disruption.  By setting structure and routine in the session, you are modeling this for their life.  When they see you set boundaries they are empowered to practice this as well.  The therapeutic environment is intended to be a safe place for them to learn to both set and respect boundaries.  Boundaries are a critical component of creating a safe environment.

So bumps, bruises, and growing pains... I am very grateful for 2016 and the growth spurt that allows me to be a better social worker, mentor, supervisor, colleague, friend, mother...

So ouch and thank you..