Detachment

Last January I wrote about boundaries.  I think the sister to boundaries is detachment.  Healthy emotional detachment allows a social worker to engage empathetically and authentically with a client while not being overwhelmed by their emotional state. It also allows the client to be distinctly in relationship with you while giving them the dignity and respect to be their own person. It is critical to good work and yet perhaps harder for a social worker than you might expect.  Let’s talk about why detachment is a challenge and what you should stay aware of.

1.  Social workers are good at hard conversations

Social workers may be particularly prone to struggling with detachment.  Social workers have hard conversations every day.  We examine emotions, we reflect, we are insight oriented.  We are also surrounded by peers who are good at having hard conversations.  When you ask us how we are doing, we don’t say fine.  We tell you.  We aren’t shocked.  We aren’t uncomfortable.  We don’t pretend everything is okay.  My colleagues can take one look at me, call me out, and an hour later we have processed.  I happen to think this makes us wonderful, insightful people.  It can also distort our expectations of others.  Most of the people we work with have not had the same experiences with difficult conversations as we have.  Both their skill level at dealing with emotional content and their comfort level will likely be less than ours. Detachment allows us to accept where our client is at, to accurately assess the pace of introspection, and to allow the time necessary for the client to gain the skills they need to build emotional intelligence.

2.  You care

This may seem simple, but you became a social worker because you care.  You genuinely want to see people achieve their goals and do well.  Your passion and love for others can make detachment difficult.  Progress takes time and it doesn’t go in a straight line.  You will watch clients sabotage their happiness.  You will watch them withdraw and isolate.  You will watch them return to hurtful situations and continue to do things that don’t work.  This is okay.  This is part of the process.  In order for you to allow them to be human and allow the process to work, you will have to detach.  It’s not your journey.  It is theirs.  Watching someone suffer hurts, but your job is often to sit with them during the suffering, not to fix it.

3.  You’ve overcome obstacles

This is a big one.  Social workers are advocates, we are social justice warriors, we are change makers.  We are risk takers.  If you are like the social workers I know, you have a story, and it is a good one.  You have overcome obstacles to get where you are.  That is what we do with clients and that is often what we have done for ourselves.  You have taken a struggle and turned it into a triumph. So you know it can be done.  You know how it feels to be empowered, to reach a goal, to not survive but to thrive.  And you want that for everyone else.  You are likely a doer.  You see a challenge and you conquer it.  It is part of your resilience and part of your gift.

4.  You’ve seen miracles

I have been asked many times about how I can work in a career where I see so much human suffering.  That is true, social workers see pain.  We also see miracles.  Every day we get to see the impossible become possible.  We know nothing is impossible, because we have seen it.  We want that miracle for our clients.  It can be hard for us when people limit themselves because we know there aren’t really limits.  We know you can do anything and we really want you to know that to.   

These are all beautiful traits, but you can’t walk someone’s journey for them.  And…you shouldn’t.  When you fail to have healthy detachment with a client (or anyone for that matter) here is what happens.  If they achieve their goal, it won’t be theirs.  They will credit you and they will lose gifts that come with doing hard stuff.  If they don’t achieve their goal, they are likely to feel both shame and judgement.  Why aren’t they good enough?  Why can’t they make a decision when the answer seems so obvious?  Why did they backslide?  What is wrong with them?  We all know that intellectual knowledge doesn’t directly relate to behavior change.  Client’s often know intellectually what is working and not working about their behavior, but they just can’t do it differently YET….that is so okay.  That has to be okay in order for them to have a healthy relationship with you.  And the trick is that can only be okay if you are able to have healthy emotional detachment.  Detachment is part of love.  It is about loving someone exactly where they are and allowing them the dignity to own their journey. You are merely a guide.  Detachment allows you to be patient and respectful while honoring someone’s journey.