Boundaries

2016 was a year of redefining boundaries for me.  In truth we constantly redefine boundaries.  Sometimes we do it well and sometimes we struggle, but even not doing it is doing it, so saying 2016 was the year of boundaries is saying something.  Setting boundaries in 2016 was like getting a black belt in boundaries and felt a little bit like being hit by a Mack truck.  Sometimes growth comes in slow and steady progressions and sometimes it comes in giant moments of clarity.  2016 was one of those giant moments of clarity.

Although plenty is written about boundaries and in some ways this feels like a basic concept for social work,  as I reflected on this years growth and took my lessons into my mentoring of social workers, I realized we don't talk about it nearly enough.  It might be simple but it isn't easy and as this year proved, it isn't something we just master and move on.  Setting boundaries is a skill we continue to refine as we grow as humans and as social workers.  The ability to understand, set, and negotiate boundaries is critical to social work practice.

Boundaries are a way that we do the most critical and complex thing I call social workers to do.  I talk to the social workers I mentor about how to "be with" the client.  This is the illustration I use.  "When someone is drowning I want you to be in the water with them.  I want you to be fully with them while being separate enough that you don't get pulled under with them and drown.  You cannot guide someone in the healing process while staying on the shore.  You also cannot guide someone if you allow them to wrap themselves around you and take you under water."  This illustration comes from a very real experience that happened when I was a child.  I was drowning in a river.  My mother instinctively jumped in and in her panic proceeded to try to drag me upstream.  We both were drowning.  A family friend jump in and pushed us to shore.  The friend was fully invested in our well being yet separate enough to be able to do what was needed.  Good social work means being fully present while being fully separate.  It is an art and it isn't easy.  It has everything to do with boundaries.

Boundaries tell you where you end and another begin.  They define your turf.  Emotionally, spiritually, physically..what is yours, mine and ours?  It is a way that you honor both yourself and others in your world.  They allow you and others to speak your truth and to be treated with dignity and respect.

Setting boundaries requires direct and honest communication.  It means that you are taking responsibility for your own needs.  In order to set boundaries you must feel worthy of respect and dignity and you must release shame.  You must also be able to tolerate discomfort.  When you set a boundary it is about defining what is and what is not acceptable in your world.  It dictates your behavior, not the other persons.  Setting a boundary means I will do what is right for me, whether you cooperate or not.  To set a boundary, I must let go of the outcome.  I will speak my truth, what you do with it is up to you.  The important thing is that I spoke it.

Boundaries also require flexibility.  Some violations may require instant "stop signs" to go up, while others allow for graduated responses.  The truth is many behavior patterns are ingrained and  may take practice and repetition to change.  And many boundaries require negotiation, a give and take between two people.  In order to participate in this negotiation without being lost, we must have a clear grounding in where we end and the other begins.  We must also have a clear understanding of what we find acceptable and unacceptable.

Finally, boundaries must be enforced.  If you set a boundary, keep it.  Remember good old systems theory.  All components of a system strive for equilibrium.  When equilibrium is disrupted the system attempts to correct.  When you redefine a boundary you disrupt the equilibrium of the system.  Just because you change, does not means that others in the system are ready to change.  This is a fancy way of saying, when you redefine boundaries expect that you might feel like you were hit by a Mack truck.  When you set a boundary it may be respected but it may also face resistance.  An attempt to get things back to "normal".  And if pushing on your boundary works, well people are smart creatures, we will do what works. 

All of these concepts are critical to a therapeutic relationship.  This isn't because we talk and teach about boundaries.  Yes we do that and yes that is important, but in the therapeutic alliance we have with clients we also model it.  Here is a simple example I used with the social workers I mentor.  When you are scheduled to meet with a client for 50 minutes and instead you meet with them for 80 minutes, what messages do you send them?  Do you believe that they are competent and capable of holding their feelings between sessions?  Do you have faith in them and their ability to handle life?  Many clients are currently maneuvering some sort of life disruption.  By setting structure and routine in the session, you are modeling this for their life.  When they see you set boundaries they are empowered to practice this as well.  The therapeutic environment is intended to be a safe place for them to learn to both set and respect boundaries.  Boundaries are a critical component of creating a safe environment.

So bumps, bruises, and growing pains... I am very grateful for 2016 and the growth spurt that allows me to be a better social worker, mentor, supervisor, colleague, friend, mother...

So ouch and thank you..