Last January I wrote about
boundaries. I think the sister to
boundaries is detachment. Healthy emotional
detachment allows a social worker to engage empathetically and authentically
with a client while not being overwhelmed by their emotional state. It also allows
the client to be distinctly in relationship with you while giving them the dignity
and respect to be their own person. It is critical to good work and yet perhaps
harder for a social worker than you might expect. Let’s talk about why detachment is a
challenge and what you should stay aware of.
1. Social workers are good at hard conversations
Social
workers may be particularly prone to struggling with detachment. Social workers have hard conversations every
day. We examine emotions, we reflect, we
are insight oriented. We are also surrounded
by peers who are good at having hard conversations. When you ask us how we are doing, we don’t say
fine. We tell you. We aren’t shocked. We aren’t uncomfortable. We don’t pretend everything is okay. My colleagues can take one look at me, call
me out, and an hour later we have processed.
I happen to think this makes us wonderful, insightful people. It can also distort our expectations of
others. Most of the people we work with have
not had the same experiences with difficult conversations as we have. Both their skill level at dealing with emotional
content and their comfort level will likely be less than ours. Detachment
allows us to accept where our client is at, to accurately assess the pace of
introspection, and to allow the time necessary for the client to gain the
skills they need to build emotional intelligence.
2. You care
This may
seem simple, but you became a social worker because you care. You genuinely want to see people achieve
their goals and do well. Your passion and
love for others can make detachment difficult.
Progress takes time and it doesn’t go in a straight line. You will watch clients sabotage their
happiness. You will watch them withdraw
and isolate. You will watch them return
to hurtful situations and continue to do things that don’t work. This is okay.
This is part of the process. In
order for you to allow them to be human and allow the process to work, you will
have to detach. It’s not your
journey. It is theirs. Watching someone suffer hurts, but your job
is often to sit with them during the suffering, not to fix it.
3. You’ve overcome
obstacles
This is a
big one. Social workers are advocates,
we are social justice warriors, we are change makers. We are risk takers. If you are like the social workers I know,
you have a story, and it is a good one.
You have overcome obstacles to get where you are. That is what we do with clients and that is
often what we have done for ourselves.
You have taken a struggle and turned it into a triumph. So you know it
can be done. You know how it feels to be
empowered, to reach a goal, to not survive but to thrive. And you want that for everyone else. You are likely a doer. You see a challenge and you conquer it. It is part of your resilience and part of
your gift.
4. You’ve seen
miracles
I have been
asked many times about how I can work in a career where I see so much human
suffering. That is true, social workers
see pain. We also see miracles. Every day we get to see the impossible become
possible. We know nothing is impossible,
because we have seen it. We want that
miracle for our clients. It can be hard
for us when people limit themselves because we know there aren’t really
limits. We know you can do anything and
we really want you to know that to.
These are all beautiful
traits, but you can’t walk someone’s journey for them. And…you shouldn’t. When you fail to have healthy detachment with
a client (or anyone for that matter) here is what happens. If they achieve their goal, it won’t be
theirs. They will credit you and they
will lose gifts that come with doing hard stuff. If they don’t achieve their goal, they are
likely to feel both shame and judgement.
Why aren’t they good enough? Why
can’t they make a decision when the answer seems so obvious? Why did they backslide? What is wrong with them? We all know that intellectual knowledge doesn’t
directly relate to behavior change.
Client’s often know intellectually what is working and not working about
their behavior, but they just can’t do it differently YET….that is so
okay. That has to be okay in order for
them to have a healthy relationship with you.
And the trick is that can only be okay if you are able to have healthy
emotional detachment. Detachment is part
of love. It is about loving someone exactly
where they are and allowing them the dignity to own their journey. You are
merely a guide. Detachment allows you to
be patient and respectful while honoring someone’s journey.
